Marks of a True Friend – Lessons from 1 Samuel 20
1 Samuel 20 reveals that after God chose David as the next king of Israel, Saul continued to occupy the throne for several years. This created an awkward situation, to be sure. During this time, Saul looked for an opportunity to assassinate David and remove the threat that he posed. In contrast, David showed no desire to revolt against Saul. He waited patiently for God to arrange a peaceful transfer of power instead.
In addition to Saul and David, a third man found himself in the crosshairs of this awkward dilemma—Jonathan. On one hand, he was the son of King Saul. This made him the heir to his father’s throne and meant that David was a serious threat to his future progress. Yet quite surprisingly, Jonathan was a close friend to David. We learn about the strength of this friendship in 1 Samuel 20. (Jonathan was also David’s brother-in-law, since David was married to Michal, Saul’s daughter.)
A Summary of 1 Samuel 20
In this chapter, David asked Jonathan why his father wanted to kill him. Jonathan claimed that Saul intended no harm, but David was not convinced. So the two men devised a plan to find out the truth and soon confirmed David’s concerns.
At an earlier point in their relationship, Jonathan and David had made a covenant together (1 Sam 18:1-4; 20:8). Now he showed his commitment to this covenant by warning David about his father’s murderous plans. Afterwards, the two men made further vows of friendship and separated for good.
This chapter serves the overarching purpose of Samuel’s writing in strategic ways, establishing David, not Saul, as God’s choice for Israel’s king. Jonathan, the son of David’s archnemesis, predicts David’s future kingship and success and forms a close friendship with him, despite strong opposition from his father (1 Sam 20:13-17, 42). He also protected David from Saul by giving him key intel about Saul’s plans. These actions by Jonathan help to cement David’s legitimate claim to the throne.
Some Marks of True Friendship
In addition to these important takeaways, we learn some valuable lessons about the nature of friendships. As you consider these lessons, you should ask yourself two questions:
Do I have any true friends?
Am I a true friend?
A true friend is someone you can speak to when you’re in a tight spot. (1 Sam 20:1)
Despite David’s loyal submission and service to Saul, David soon realized that Saul intended to kill him. As the problem became clear, he fled as quickly as possible to Jonathan to get some perspective. This should have been a dangerous or risky move, since Jonathan was Saul’s son and the family heir to the throne, but David trusted Jonathan so strongly as a friend that he went to him for help in his trouble.
A true friend does what is necessary to help you out. (1 Sam 20:4)
Jonathan thought the best of his father and didn’t believe that he would try to kill David. Even so, he offered to do whatever it took to find out the truth. He didn’t expect David to simply take his word for it and was willing to be wrong. Instead, he developed a plan that would reveal the truth and give David peace of mind and the ability to make appropriate decisions. In doing so, Jonathan proved that he wanted what was best for David, not for himself.
A true friend tells you the truth. (1 Sam 20:9)
Jonathan assured David that he would tell him the truth. He would not hold back vital information from him. This is especially noteworthy because withholding information about Saul’s intentions to kill David would turn out in Jonathan’s favor, restoring him to the apparent heir to the throne. Yet once again, Jonathan demonstrates his commitment to David’s needs over his own aspirations. We often place high value on a friend who tells you the truth whether it hurts you or not. But a true, true friend is one who tells you the truth when it especially hurts him instead. Jonathan was this kind of friend to David.
A true friend returns kindness for kindness. (1 Sam 20:14-17)
For all the kindness that Jonathan had shown towards David, David assured Jonathan that he would do the same for him. In this arrangement, David agreed to do no harm to Jonathan or his descendants (1 Sam 24:21. Under normal protocol, a new king (especially of a new family dynasty) would eliminate the living descendants of the former dynasty. This practice removed unwanted threats to the throne and provided stability to the kingdom.
In this case, however, David agreed to treat Jonathan and his descendants favorably—against normal custom. Sadly, Jonathan would eventually die in a battle against the Philistines (1 Sam 31:1-2). Even so, David remained true to his promise. He searched for any remaining descendants of Saul’s family for the purpose of treating them kindly, which he did for a descendant named Mephibosheth (2 Sam. 9:1, 3, 7). He even treated Mephibosheth kindly despite the possibility that Mephibosheth had participated in a plot against the throne (2 Sam 19:25-29; 21:7).
A true friend remains faithful despite intense pressure to abandon you. (1 Sam 20:30-31)
When Saul realized that Jonathan was covering for David, he placed intense pressure on him to abandon his friendship. He used strong language, spoke about him in a shameful manner, and explained the personal disadvantages of being a friend to David. Despite this strong appeal, Jonathan remained a loyal friend to David.
A true friend shares a mutual commitment to the Lord. (1 Sam 20:42)
David and Jonathan had made a commitment to one another before the Lord. They also trusted in the Lord to maintain their relationship indefinitely. This is one element of friendship that nonbelievers cannot practice. They cannot worship the Lord together as the God and ruler of their lives. Thankfully, Jonathan was such a friend that he could encourage David’s relationship with God (1 Sam 23:16).
Jonathan knew that God had anointed David as the next king, so he submitted to God’s plan. David also trusted in the Lord and therefore felt no need to take matters into his own hands, whether against Saul or Jonathan. Furthermore, if either one of these men somehow breached their mutual commitment to one another, they believed that God himself would make things right and that he would do so in the best of ways.
A true friend shows respect to you. (1 Sam 20:41)
When Jonathan came to David with the final report of Saul’s plans, David responded to him with humility and respect. Though David was God’s anointed heir to the throne and Jonathan had no future as such, David was silent for a moment and then bowed himself to the ground before Jonathan. To emphasize his respect for Jonathan, he bowed not once but three times, which is more than any other person is recorded as doing for anyone else in Scripture.
A true friend loves you as though you were himself. (1 Sam 18:1; 20:17)
The Old Testament teaches the necessity of loving God with all your heart (Deut 6:4-5). It also emphasizes loving your neighbor as yourself (Lev 19:17). Centuries later, Jesus would tie these two commandments together as being one interchangeable command so that to love your neighbor would be to love God. In this way, Jonathan’s love for David revealed that he loved God with the noblest form of love that the Torah enjoined. A true friend is good because he is first a friend of God.
